tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
i'm worthless )
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
Hey guess what.

Insomnia and angst still sucks.

I'm so overwhelmed )

Escape

Apr. 3rd, 2012 02:15 pm
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
Looks like I'm making a very unplanned trip to Eastern Norway and my family this week. I know it's not been long since I spent an overlong holiday there but I need to do something to get out of this rut I'm in. Also it'll be great eating something besides chicken-flavoured noodles (boy did the novelty of that wear out fast).

I didn't even realize how low I've been these last few weeks. That desaturated, aimless numbness that makes it hard to even get out of bed during the day, or making the effort to keep things tidy around me (except for Linni's sake). Things I know I usually love (spring, old musicals, Terence Hill's legs) giving me no enjoyment, and then clinging onto increasingly narrow, specific things (Dick Powell, rollerdisco music) that gives me even the tiniest trace of entertainment.

Anyway, heading homewards (I realize it's confusing how I keep calling two different places "home", I think the rule of thumb is that "home" is the place I'm not at) tomorrow on an early train, Linni in tow as usual. Now all I've got to do is figure out what kind of music to bring along (besides Dick Powell and rollerdisco music obviously).

Nrgh

Dec. 9th, 2011 02:41 am
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
It's half past two at night, I'm meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow, I'm dead tired - clearly this is the best time to evaluate my life.

I'm no use even talking about the specifics, I've come to the conclusion that my current existence is just pathetic overall. Now if I was able to sleep more than three hours every night that would probably help my mood a little bit, but I can't and there are still issues a bit of sleep obviously won't fix.

Screw this, I'm making tea and buttered* toast and watching another episode of that outrageous space western anime.


*Apparently - and ridiculously - there's a shortage of butter in Norway at the moment? I read there's already a black market for it. Still, I think I'm going to eat mine rather than selling it to fund my excessive lifestyle.
tilly_stratford: (LS: Please run)
Today I woke up with the most depressing notion in my head.

Mankind is egotistical and stupid and I'm not sure if we'll ever change )

tl;dr: I'm worried Jacques Brel's 'Les Bourgeois' describes us all a little too well. In the end we conform to our flawed society norms.

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tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
Ah, shit.

It's half past eleven and everything is just too much right now. I've got an archeology paper due Tuesday which I thought was going to be a breeze, only today I discovered that the curriculum compilation is sold out at the bookstore (I knew I should have bought it earlier but I didn't need it earlier oh shit oh shit oh shit) so now I'm wondering what kind of paper I can write when I haven't got 80 % of the curriculum in question.

And after that it's the English exam the 16th and while I'm quite good at transcription I'm shit at everything else and I should just start cramming but I've got this paper and then I've got the history exam (the one I failed last year) on the 26th and I've never been able to pace myself on these things oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Adding to that, (and certainly caused by that,) I'm back in one of my insomnia periods and right now I really don't want to go to bed in case I just wind up working myself up even more and all this overwhelms me completely. (Right now I'm telling myself that I'll be able to write some sort of paper with the two books I do have and it's not even going to be the final version of the paper so calm the heck down girl).

Dilemma: Try to get some much-needed sleep and potentially freak out, or watch an Astaire movie or something?
tilly_stratford: (Trek: Spock bitchfit)
Back from the doctor's - or rather, the ER, as I was told it was the only option available as my registered doctor is on the other side of the country. Haven't slept for three days at this point. (Fun hallucinations last night included being momentarily convinced there was a fire in the apartment, and a taste in my mouth of custard gone sour that just wouldn't go away).

Thankfully I got a prescription for histamines to numb me down tonight, I'm feeling very optimistic - but oh God, I'd rather take four pap smears than go through that consultation again. I know my appearance doesn't do me any favours, but it still came as a shock to me how readily the doctor believed I was a drug addict. At first he was reluctant to prescribe me anything, it was only when I started crying (he dutifully wrote down in the journal, "The patient shows a tendency to weep when talking about not sleeping.") he agreed to help me, but he told me that I shouldn't come back.

Jesus Christ, I realize there must be recreational drug users coming there for their fix, but man, did he really think I came there to get a buzz from goddamn allergy medication? It's horrible to talk to a doctor who doesn't believe you.

But still, I'll be damned if I'm going to let him ruin my day. I'm going for a walk, gonna collect my meds, and try to enjoy the day.

Well damn

Jun. 18th, 2010 12:46 pm
tilly_stratford: (Constantine: Sly smoke)
It seems I failed both my exams this semester. I've never failed anything school-related ever, and suddenly an entire semester went down the drain. Fascinating.

Well, good on me for taking it this well. I thought this would be much more painful, I thought I'd cry and hate myself, but this is no more than annoying. So I'll take those exams over. Fiddlesticks.

Thankfully playing copious amounts of Dragon Age Origins slaying darkspawn is very therapeutic. I also have this uncanny urge to watch men in brightly coloured velour shirts and too tight trousers run through pastel corridors, but that'll have to wait till Monday when I return to Bergen.
tilly_stratford: (Trek: Spock bitchfit)
You know what? I would be much obliged if this day, this week, this exam, this computer, my other computer, this insomnia, this virus (or whatever it is I'm having) and this cluttered room would just FUCK OFF and DIAF.

God, we aren't even through with Monday but suckitude of this dimension is goddamn unparalleled. Yes I know I usually have a pre-exam nerves, but this... this is something else. I simply haven't been studying this semester, okay? I don't know why, I don't know what on earth I've been doing instead, but I've completely dropped the ball. A few months ago they picked my assignment on Christian VIII of Denmark as one of the best of my class (of a hundred), and now... I'm fairly certain there isn't a single historical issue between the Sixteenth Century and the present day I have two hours' worth of knowledge on, let alone seven.

There. Now everybody knows, and everybody can hopefully stop telling me "oh I'm sure you'll pass with flying colours!". I probably won't, and I'm pretty okay with that - the system is sound, if I fail I'll just do the exam next semester. By then I've probably pulled myself together and am back to old form.

My shrink's been telling me it would probably be immensely healthy for me to fail an exam and experience academic defeat for once in my life anyway. Put an analogy from Wrath of Khan here if you like.

Nada sleep

Apr. 3rd, 2010 06:08 am
tilly_stratford: (Trek: Spock bitchfit)
Another one of those nights. As of now just about everything in the world seems to suck pretty hard.

Except LaVern Baker. I'm listening to one of her albums and she is pretty much the essence of brilliance.

Anyway, while I'm back to feeling miserable and whining about things, what's up with nobody (with one or two honourable exceptions) ever dropping a comment my way lately? Was it something I said?

I also hate when people blog about "why does no one pay attention to meeeeee" stuff too. So. End whine. Sorry.

Emopanda

Dec. 7th, 2009 01:11 pm
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
Missing: One (1) personality. One (1) set of emotions.

Hello, I'm a non-entity. I'm just a void. It literally feels like there's a vacuum inside of me. Well, there's the nothingness and then there's the anxiety about the nothingness.

I have a big exam in a few days and I'm panicking about how blasé I'm about it. Jesus. If I could only get some real sleep (hey, four hours last night; I'll take what I can get). If I could only concentrate and get my head out of my ass.

It's a mood swing, nothing more - when I was brushing my teeth last night and saw myself in the mirror I thought, "Man I'm awesome. And I look supercute today." But knowing it's just a crazy mood swing doesn't help when I get them several times a day.

Can't wait till Thursday when I get on that train and can take a break from me.
tilly_stratford: (Trek: Spock bitchfit)
I can't REMEMBER the last time I got a decent night's sleep. I remember the last time I stayed up all night though, that was Thursday. And since then I've managed to sleep a couple of hours every night... Last night I was close to bursting into tears, I was so tired, but I calmed down by reminding myself that if I'm that tired, I'd have no problem falling asleep tonight.

HA. GUESS WHAT.

In my sleep-deprived state I've contemplated one thing though: DUDE, you have no English word for døgn! How do you manage?

Sleepy thoughts on semantics. This'll end well. )

Bitchy Spock icon specifically uploaded for this entry. I have an eight o'clock lecture tomorrow, I don't need this shit!
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
This is why my frequent inability to read numbers correctly is a real treat: Suddenly discovering the deadline for my next Empires paper is in four days, not in two weeks like I thought. (Hey, I suddenly realized that all the symptoms of dyscalculia, with one expection, fit me to a tee.)

This is the worst possible time for this to hit me.

cry moar emo girl )

Sorry about all that. In time it'll pass.

U-turn

Aug. 20th, 2009 08:47 pm
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
I was halfway through writing a gigantic emo post about what an uninteresting waste of space I am (I just came home from a student barbeque socializing thing that didn't really go according to plan), but thankfully Tiny called and did wonders for my mood.

So instead I'm going to mention that today was the first ever time a stranger stopped me in the street just to tell me what awesome dreads I have.

(!!!)

He even shook my hand! I've heard dreadheads say things like that happen, but I didn't know you got such a high from it.

(I'm about to lose another half of a dread, but I'm trying to be more c'est la vie about it. Had I known what I know now I would never have gotten extensions at the same time as they were backcombed, but I'm damned if I'm going to be bitter about it).

A complete stranger told me I have made a cool cosmetic choice. Do you know what a weird concept that is for me?
tilly_stratford: (Default)
Can't sleep because clowns will eat me the dial in my mind seems to be permanently stuck on "angsting about future". Which I know is idiotic, because I KNOW I'm just fretting because I'm tired and everything seems much worse and depressing late at night.

Every time I close my eyes the tiny little bastard Jiminy Cricket voice in my mind starts shouting "JESUS CHRIST WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE YOU DUMB SHIT" so instead I'm browsing YouTube for - and this is perplexing even to me at the moment - Ludwig von Drake cartoons.

It's not even a nostalgia thing - I've never seen them before. An hour ago I didn't even know Raptus von Rupp (as he's known in Norwegian) had that name in English. Or acted as a host in a series of quasi-educational musical shorts.

Will I find The Spectrum Song as hilarious in the morning? Time will tell.

ETA: OMG PICKLE!! That's it, he's the greatest Duckburg character EVAR.

Exam blues

May. 20th, 2009 11:38 am
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
His teachers didn't understand, they kicked him out of school
At a tender early age just because he didnt want to learn things
He had other interests: He liked to burn things


That... didn't go very well. What use it is to me to remember all the people involved in the various European dynasties when I get asked about the gregorian reform? Right now I've got so many facts and dates and people in my head and then I just end up being damn unlucky.

Ugh. At least my summary of the Hundred Years' war was a thing of beauty and should earn me two points. And I managed to sneak in a shout-out to Sigvat, St. Olaf's favourite skald.

I like to believe I'll just about pass the class, but it's out of my hands now.

Anyway. It still hasn't dawned on me I'm free now. Three months, and I can read whatever I want! I'll have to start searching for a job immediately of course, but that's more about having something to occupy me rather than a need of money (although more money would be nice).

So. I promise this is the last emo post about my exams for now. Right now I'm going to go out and buy me some movies.
tilly_stratford: (Deadpool day)
På et tidspunkt såg det lyst ut for oss to
Men lampen gjekk tom for parafin.


It's amazing that you can be mentally exhausted and yet so physically restless at the same time. I was going to take a long stroll today and listen to Martin Jenkins' modern audio adaption of Faust (Mark Gatiss makes such a sexy purry-voiced Mephistopheles it's astounding) but lo and behold there's a storm out.

So instead I've put on my pyjama bottoms (since I got soaked to the skin just attending lecture not ten minutes from here) and think I'm going to put on a movie. I've downloaded The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947), but I think I'll wait with the Danny Kaye goodness until tomorrow.

Maybe I should watch the Kaizer live at Vega DVD? I'm still so gleeful that they, in the booklet of their new Våre Demoner CD, coined the genre "doomsday country music". Just for that I had to relisten to the song Hevnervals:

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tilly_stratford: (Bogie)
Okay, I feel a bit of a git re: the paleography exam. I was going to do the formal exam, then earlier this week I found this wasn't really a good time for writing another exam and decided to drop it, then I had a bit of extra time and decided to give it a shot, and now I realize that the bloody thing's supposed to be delivered tomorrow and I'm only close to finishing one assignment when there's supposed to be two.

Cock. Should have just stuck with one plan or the other, now I feel bad without knowing if wasted time making an attempt, or wasted time I should have spent on writing the exam on other things. Or something. In any case, the exam isn't going to get finished on time.

Like I mentioned earlier there isn't any practical outcome at all; I didn't need the points, and anyway I've learnt a ton from this two-week course. I'm just too good at fretting.

So fretting aside, I took a ton of pictures today. The main Bergen picspam must wait for another day, but I did make a few discoveries while strolling today.

Admittedly not very interesting )

And oh! I might have mentioned His Majesty before. He's a statue of a humble woodland animal standing close by the University grounds, and the students venerate and love him. When I was new in town I was puzzled by it and asked older students what the deal was.

"Oh no no no," they'd say in hushed towns. "You don't ask about His Majesty."

And now, eight months later, I find that I do really hold a great deal of respect for that statue. And so it pleased me to find that someone had newly decorated him.

Bow before him )
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
Och med ögonen slutna
Ber en själ som en frälst:
Släpp iväg det förflutna
Och släpp in vad som helst


I do believe that when you accept responsibility for a pet, you also accept the duty of shielding that pet from lasting pain.

Today it was no question about it, Domino had aggressive cancer. My vet and I agreed the best thing would be to make sure he didn't suffer from the painful end that would surely soon follow.

Deep down I knew there was no way out of it. Yesterday I decided to not give Domino his dose of antibiotics, let him have one night without that stress and discomfort, and instead I gave him some extra hazel nuts.

My family's had pets all my life, and inescapebly some of them have had to be euthanized, but I've never been this involved in the decision-making before.

I'm frankly surprised at how I'm tearing up right now. Furthermore I live in a culture where it's considered pathetic to grieve over anything smaller than a dog. I don't think I care.

Thank you little buddy, you've been great company these two years.

I don't have rats anymore. I'm the only inhabitant in this room from now on. I'll clean and disassemble the cage and try to find somewhere to put it.
tilly_stratford: (Cello in the rain)
It's too easy humming songs
To a girl in yellow dress
It's been a long time since the party
And the room is in a mess


I can't seem to quite shake this blue mood off. When I get like this it feels like it's been weeks since I last found pleasure in anything at all, though I know for a fact I was chatting and joking with my classmates just earlier today. I don't get it.

So lying in bed, staring at the ceiling while prodding at that feeling of self-pitying numbness like the way you prod at an achey tooth with your tongue, I decided I just needed something, anything, to occupy my mind for a little while.

Then I remembered that I last week bought one of those trashy two-for-one DVD sets that cost next to nothing, and fired up that. A Bing Crosby musical, Rhythm on the River from 1940.



And then Basil Rahtbone is the villain, pencil moustache and all. In a Bing Crosby musical. I had no idea such a thing had ever been made.

I take it as the universe's way of giving me a big hug.

That's okay Universe, I like you too. I feel a little bit better now. Hopefully a good night's sleep and a trip down to FRETEX tomorrow to look at stuff will take care of the rest.

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