tilly_stratford: (ST: Kirk wants porn)
[personal profile] tilly_stratford
Okay, so imagine if Batman and Captain Kirk were boyfriends, planning to take over the world.

Yes, I've just watched it. We're talking the horrible TV pilot Alexander the Great from 1968, starring William Shatner and Adam West.

And not only did I watch it, I liveblogged it and did gratuitous capping.

I'm studying Ancient history, so it would have been fun if I could point out all the historical inaccuracies and all - but sadly I'm studying the boring bits of history, like the nature of Alexander's administration or what cultural impact Hellenism had on the conquered city states.

So instead I'll point out every time somebody says things like "go to the rear".



HEEYYYOOOO Darius gets a shout-out. PERSIAN KINGS FTW.

Fuck yes, Shatner is blonde and tan and fit and rides a horse. And apparantly used to wax his legs (Alexander was a metrosexual kind of guy yes?).

Some guy is dying. Alexander is sad and cradles him a bit. But doesn't cry because that would mess up his mascara.



The sound is sort of muffled but they're saying something about barbarians doing it. THAT NARROWS IT DOWN, SURE.

WHOA DUDE WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW.



MUSCLES.

Hahah, barbarians arrive and our guys are all "Dude, Alexander, don't ride off alone to tackle them." and he's all "NO THE GODS WILL PROTECT ME." And then the barbarians (SERIOUSLY I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THESE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE, MY GUESS IS PERSIANS) just sort of stand around while Alexander cuts them down. VICTORY!

Oh wait they had taken a prisoner. IT'S BATMAN ADAM WEST. Name's Cleander, apparantly. Alexander celebrates the rescue by playfully whacking Cleander's ass with his sword. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.



HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK JOSEPH COTTEN. JOSEPH FUCKING COTTEN. THIS CHEESY THING JUST TURNED SERIOUSLY AWESOME. And he's still sort of cute OMG.



And then Alexander takes off his clothes and and gets in the bath and moans a whole lot. We're not ten minutes in and we've already had a sword fight and pseudo-naked Shatner. THERE'S SOMETHING HERE FOR EVERYONE.



YES. EVERYONE. And then Antigones (Cotten) makes him moan a bit too. THERE'S SO MUCH MOANING.

Dude, I thought the skirts on Star Trek were short.



Alexander is worried about his boyfriend Cleander getting hurt wrestling, so he jumps in himself. Alexander's Macedonian underwear gets a whole lot of screentime.

To make up for all the gay Alexander hugs his wife every two minutes. TEWTALLY NOT GAY GUISE.

Now all his men try to get him drunk. ORGYTIEM NAO?

Daww they're so cute. ALEXANDER/CLEANDER OTP 4-EVAAAH.





TOTALLY NOT NOTICING THE STRIP TEASE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.



Also plot may be happening, I'm really not sure. All the guys stand around a map and shout and there's something about which way to attack from and --



...

Ahem... Where was I?

"Cleander, I wish to see you in my tent. I would like to ride with you." Oh... Em.. Gee.

Oh no, we learn there is a traitor in our midst! We only know two other characters by now, so I suppose the choice is between Cleander and Antigones. Damn, I suppose Antigones is the likelier suspect.

ALSO, MANLY HUGGING.



SO MUCH MANLY HUGGING.

Oh no a Greek failed at assassinating Alexander. Cliffhanger!

Ooh another shirtless scene. Now we have to combat the gayness with another scene with the girl love interest. As expected her only asset is her looks. He immediately turns away the moment Antigones arrives, who makes him moan again. Also the line "He'll see you to the rear" is sort of funny when I haven't slept.

I still can't believe Joseph Cotten's in this. He was in Citizen Kane, in The Magnificent Ambersons, in The Third Man! And there he is, in a swords-and-sandals, staring concernedly at a near-naked Billy Shatner...

"You're always telling me what I can't do! What are you, my father?" Okay apparantly Alexander the Great was just a big whiny brat.

"Antigones... If you won't share the responsibilities at the front, then go to the rear!" *Antigones turns with horror in his eyes* OKAY THIS DOESN'T STOP BEING FUNNY.

Now Alexander's on horseback again, and he explains to his men how they'll surprise the enemies from behind. I'm sorry.

Is that how you pronounce phalanx in English? Fey-linx?

The battle has started and OH NOES ANTIGONES IS DEAD. "He's murdered!" "Murdered!" HAHA HOLY SHIT YOU'RE IN THE MID-BATTLE GUYS.

Oh wait, one of the good guys did it. Nevermind.

Alexander charges in to battle to save his boyfriend. Those rocks really looks like the oft-visited "Arena"-rocks from Trek BTW.

Alexander's swordmanship is horrendous. I wouldn't notice if they didn't KEEP USING THE SAME SWORD-FLAILING CLIP OVER AND OVER.

HAHA Alexander uses a dead Persian as a shield when the traitor guy comes for him. Awesome. But after the fight we get a long wrought-with-emotion scene to reflect over the waste of life. Boring. More moaning and hugs, people! And what about Cleander, we haven't seen him in ages. Oh wait, there he is.

They all ride into the sunset off-screen.

THE END.


Okay gratuitous pic spam sort of fizzled out midway, but it's not my fault if the director suddenly thought to himself "Maybe we should try to make do with slightly less homoeroticism".

Let's just be grateful they never got this beyond the pilot, or we'd had somebody else filling Captain Kirk's high-heeled boots.
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