(no subject)

[tilly_stratford]

I'm really in a place I hate right now. Financially, professionally, physically, mentally. It's not something I cry about at night but I'm just constantly despairing about it. I hate my job. I hate my flat. I hate not being able to take care of myself financially. It's been going on for months and I don't see how I might break the cycle. For that I need money. For that I need a better paid job with more hours. For that I need to be able to do shit everybody but me seems to be able to do. Like fucking understand how numbers work.

I work at the job I hate, I go back to the flat I hate and spend a few hours playing video games so I can forget about how much I truly hate my life, and I go to sleep. Repeat. Shit, is that how it is? Is it like that for everybody? Does everybody else just cope?

I keep teeter-tottering between feeling I deserve better and feeling really spoiled and lazy and stupid for thinking I deserve better.

I was reading a feminist book about how every women has the right to choose between family and a career. Shit, are those my choices? I don't plan to have kids and I'm as far away from "ambitious" as a person can get. I just want to... do something I don't hate. Something I don't lie awake at night dreading having to do.

I realize I might be a bit lonely. But as long as I feel this way, as long as I hate to talk about the way I live my life right now I really don't want to reunite with my old friends, who all seem so happy with their lot. I want to right things first, but I don't know how. I'm taking stronger antidepressants than ever but I guess the only thing I get out of that is a slowly poisoned liver or whatever.

I. am. pathetic.

Comments

[athenegenia.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
You are not pathetic and you are not worthless. You are talented, clever and kind. It's just that things are a bit rough at the moment, and you are completely allowed to not like it.
With regards to ambition etc, pretty much the most important part of being an empowered adult woman is being able to do whatever the hell you want and no one gets to judge you for it. Not people, not books. You do what you want; you are the only person you have to please.

If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
Care package from Blighty?

[tilly-stratford.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you so much. I feel like printing out your comment and framing it over my bed. I'm doing better today, and I've made sure to apply for some other jobs, so if I keep at it I might gradually change my situation. At least I'm lucky to have a family that supports me.

If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
Care package from Blighty?

Thanks for the offer, but your comment is valuable enough in itself though :)

[athenegenia.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
You are very welcome.

Taking little steps, making small achievements, they all help :)

Please let me know if there's anything else I can do, and if you ever do want a package from Blighty :)

[(Anonymous)]

Hey, I hope it's not weird, but I occasionally pop over here since you haven't been on tumblr much lately...

I'm really sorry you feel so awful right now. Depression/anxiety are ridiculously hard to deal with. I'm in a pretty similar place, actually, so if you ever want to talk or anything, send me a note on tumblr and we can complain about life together, because it kind of feels better to know other people are in the same boat. :) In any case, I'm sending you mental hugs!

-Radish

[tilly-stratford.livejournal.com]

It's not weird at all so don't worry :)

Thank you so much for caring though - I'm doing a little better today but I'll take you up on your offer if i fall into The Pit of Despair again. And you can of course always message me if you need to talk as well.

[vongroovy.livejournal.com]

You're so not alone in feeling like this. I feel the same an awful lot of the time. Depression is fucking shit, but you're not pathetic for being depressed. It's so hard when you're feeling in a bad place to think you deserve better - I struggle with this all the time - and I know hearing it when you're down doesn't always help, but...you deserve better, and you deserve to not hate your life.

I really hate the idea that family and career are the two life paths that matter. Because, like you, I don't plan to have kids, and I'm not ambitious, at least in terms of a career. I've felt like such a failure for such a long time because I'm getting close to being a decade out of uni, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm realizing recently that it's such a lie that you have to find happiness in a career. For some people, that's fine, but for some of us, I think finding something to do that we don't hate is okay. Fulfillment doesn't have to come from career or family, and whatever gives someone fulfillment in their life is fantastic, whether it's those things or something else. For me, I find the most fulfillment and purpose in my life in travel, and a job is only ever going to be a means to enable me to do that and not necessarily a source of fulfillment in itself. I still feel like other people view me as a failure for not having career ambitions though.

I want to right things first, but I don't know how.

I FEEL THIS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. *hugs hugs hugs*

[tilly-stratford.livejournal.com]

Thanks, it helps to know I'm not the only one!